Thursday, February 28, 2008

Talk Thursday: I’m a Grown-up?

Every American child—that is the ones I knew/know—counted the years, months, and even days until their sixteenth birthday and the ability to get their drivers license. I didn’t get mine until I was pregnant and nineteen.

When I was a teen I couldn’t wait until I was twenty-one and gained the right to vote and drink legally. Not to mention being majorly (why isn’t majorly a word?) pissed that an eighteen year old boy could be drafted and die in a hostile foreign land for oil and telecommunication concerns, I mean American freedom and the destruction of communism, before they could vote and then legally get drunk because the warmongers in office remained their after the elections. I never fail to vote, and it was all anti-climactic because I was living in Germany when I turned twenty-one and was able to drink legally on the economy already, and had to cast my votes absentee…MEANING THEY DIDN’T COUNT ANYWAY. Despite that, I never fail to vote.

When I was in my twenties and my thirties I still referred to myself as a girl. I wondered when do you begin to feel like an adult, a woman, a grown up? When do I start dressing age appropriate? What is age appropriate? And when does Barry Manilow start sounding better than Led Zepplin and Cat Stevens, because I want to end it all right before that time. And it’s obvious that it happens somewhere along the timeline.

The major faux pas I made: arrogantly thinking I would never let myself get fat. I never considered the simple inescapable factors:
1) I would burn out on pumping iron
2) Skinny ego karma
3) Hereditary gene factor
4) That I would quit smoking and gain twenty-five pounds in one month, one month I kid you not
5) That those twenty-five pounds would double plus over the next decade.
6) I never realized the factors of menopause
I never contemplated that there would come a day when my butt and thighs would realize it could just inhale carb and fat calories. In frustration I have thrown myself on the Cross Trainer of futility. Futility I tell you, and it just makes me hungrier.

I use to wear miniskirts, well into my mid to late forties. My legs still looked great. I have wisely exchanged the miniskirts for maxis (sounds like pads) but mostly I wear pants. I’ve not worn a bikini since I got pregnant (age 19.) I’ve not worn shorts since my honeymoon in 1994 (age 38.) now it’s all suits and jeans. Despite seeing little of the public during work, suits make me feel more professional—actually I think suits make me cuss less (which could explain why I cussed LOUDLY this afternoon during a conversation with my boss—I’m wearing black slacks and a white shirt today. No suit.)

Where on God’s Green Earth does it say middle aged and overweight women have to wear unfitted, untailored, loud coloured polyester or wrinkly cotton? Huh? What gives? Who says I can’t listen to today’s hot music? Who says I have to watch the fun from the ground. I can’t wait to ride the roller coaster atop the Stratosphere in Vegas. If I have a stroke during the experience please note:
I am an organ donor
I want to be cremated
My china and rings go to Psam
My necklaces to Miseray
Arlo gets my Ducky
And Burp is incharge!

Please spread my ashes in a couple of beautiful gardens, preferably on more than one continent, near some nasturtiums, ferns, and a bird feeder.


Wednesday, February 27, 2008

I will not whine, I will not whine, I will not whine.

Part of my 2008 New Year’s Resolution, a scant two months past, was to not whine. I’ve been holding up my end of the bargain, which makes me think I missed the mark.

Remember the easy days of resolutions made and broken a mere three days later? To not chew gum or ice—well I was wearing braces at the time…for eight friggin’ years. To not pig out on chocolate. What did I think, it was Lent? I’m not even Catholic. What, I thought my resolve better than my hormones or my Sweet Tooth? Or to not litter. Okay, I still don’t break that one. Er… it is not littering if its bio-degradable and not lit. To lose weight. That’s a train wreck waiting to happen, unrealistic, masochistic, and just plain old hateful.

So, no whining and I’m doing pretty good. I am indulging on all sorts of things to keep myself happy.

Spend, Spend, Spend. In fact, we finally bought that hot tub we’ve been giving each other as an anniversary present for several years running. Thinking that we would have weeks to prepare, we’d been waiting for good weather to begin digging the slab foundation. Remember this is the Oregon Coast. But Saturday afternoon we found out it will be ready in about two weeks. So now poor Ducky is digging like a mad badger. Setting up the frame and thinking about the wiring and permits.

I on the other hand am thinking out why I didn’t resolve to lose weight, so my triple elastic size butt will fit in to a bathing suit. Oh, shit! I’m fifty two, that means I will have to wear something age appropriate. If I buy purple and or red shoot me, please. Ducky says just go suitless. It could be he’s delusional or I won’t let him get his eyes tested.

We do have our best helper on the job

Burp wants a diving board.


Saturday, February 23, 2008

Attraction Meme

I first saw this at CVRick’s, then JulieAnn jumped aboard, followed by Sid here’s the Attraction Meme of only four questions. Consider yourself tagged if’n you’re readin’ and wanna play, if you do let me know where, either there or here, your choice.

Now when Rick originally laid down this challenge he added that those playing needed to add a question of their own…so here goes.

What do you find the most physically attractive about another person?
Smiles that reach their eyes and handshakes that don’t smash my rings into my fingers, but are firm and warm. But in all truth I notice asses and thighs first.

When you talk to a lover, what’s the topic?
No topic should be taboo and that includes past relationships. I love talking about everything; I love debating, but not arguing.

What motivates your lover?
Hopefully a desire to be the best he can be, at whatever he choses to do.

What’s your own best attribute?
I’m not sure, physically my hands or my eyes. Personality I would say my mind.

What’s personality trait do you find the most desirable in a lover?
Compassion or a sense of humor. I’m not sure but they are both important to me.

If you play let me know so I can see your answers and add a question if you can.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Talk Thursday - If I Could Turn Back Time

What would I do? Where would I go? What would I change?

I know people get tired of me saying this, but “Where we’ve been is who we are.” The only variables that I can think of is whether we are raised survivor or victim, and whether we are positive or negative.

I’m pretty much thinking I’m an independent survivor with a positive attitude. I mean, dude what else is there to be? I can’t think of one experience I would change. Yes honestly, not one. The good, the bad, the indifferent have all helped mold me into who I am. Each bad has come with a good, and every good has come with a drawback. Well I assume a drawback, I’d have to look and think deeper to tell the truth and discover the seeds of me.

In my first year at Girl Scout Camp I almost got kicked out because of my smart mouth. Wow, it was a total surprise to me that I was mouthy, I was trying to be funny. But what I learned out of the experience was that 1) not everyone thinks I’m funny 2) the last thing I wanted was to be kicked out of camp and made an example of 3) getting kicked out meant I’d never get to go to camp again, and damn it was way kewl 4) but most of all it would mean that I let my parents down – there was no way I was going to do that (well at least this time.) For my future I realized I wanted to be liked (something I forever chased,) that I’d have to swallow my words sometimes to get what I wanted, and that in a pinch or not so much of a pinch I could be bitingly witty with practice.

The most physical painful experience: birth. While I screamed, “Never again,” for the better part of thirty-six hours, I’d still not take it back. I not only have a beautiful daughter, that I’d not trade for the world, but I couldn’t imagine being more in love and delighted with my grandson, a grandson I’d not have except for from said daughter. In hindsight I know, going back and not having the experience (and the resulting thirty-two years,) I’d be a lesser person all the way around, with a sad quiet life. Now who in their right mind would trade that? No body I want to know.

Rape? No way. It’s not that I relish the experience, come on I am reasonably sane, but the growth I gained, priceless. The impact of one person’s violence on me had an amazing out come - for me, maybe that sounds twisted to you, but there is a sound logic in there to me. Rape is not walk in the park, although for some that is where it starts. It was no joy ride, although that has been a trigger for others, but not me. No, for me it was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But for that experience I have so much more. I have been beat upon and invaded – and I have survived. Now I have insights and experience. I have the shoulders to listen, the growth to move beyond and help others move beyond. Go back and ask for another dose, no way in hell, but turn left that night instead of right turn and I’d be a less compassionate person, a less understanding person, and maybe even a weaker person.

If I could turn back time maybe I could spend more time with my father, my grandfather, maybe I could have made my grandmother like me (but really I don’t think so.) But would it have been any better than I the time I’ve already had? I don’t think so; I had quality time with them. I cherish those moments, experiences, and lessons. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t.

Although, damn I had a great ass at 18, you know that moment right before I got pregnant.


Sunday, February 17, 2008

Rockin' Meme

Tewkes had fun with this meme, and I did too. For the first one I had to work a little bit and flip flop the name of the article, but it was creative and fun.

And strangely the quotes were the second from the bottom on both

And the pictures were the third page third picture

Okay, so I randomly cheat, but it was fun.

Here's how it works:
The first random article on is your band name.
The last part of the last quote here is your album title.
The third picture here is your album cover art.

Novel Letters
All People Want Is Someone To Listen
Winter Morning by Queenscent

For the second one, because Tewkes did two, I did too.

Teepookana Plateau
Unremembered acts of kindness
Jump in the park 2 by Em the Frenchie

If you play, please leave me a link so I can see what you came up with.

Friday, February 15, 2008

100 Things About Me - 2008

1) There is a feeling of Mortality in my air
2) Yes, that middle age, “My life is more than half over, and what have I done with it?” thought keeps haunting me
3) Not to the point where I want to go do something crazy
4) No, I am very thankful for who I am with
5) For what I have in my life
6) And for what I have accomplished
7) I can honestly say I like myself.
8) I’m sure it has something to do with the people around me dying
9) But it’s also a reflection of my age.
10) Strangely enough, I’m still afraid of snakes
11) Yeah, duh! Like that’s going to change.
12) My new candy… Cherry Cordial Kisses from Hershey’s, which made for a loverly chocolate Valentine’s Day
13) So did the chocolate covered strawberries from Ducky, divine decadence, hmmm, hmmm, hm.
14) God, that man is a saint.
15) That mortality thingie could also be due in part to it being a nine year
16) A year of endings, even though I’ve only just begun
17) A year that began with the doldrums, sadness, and ennui
18) But a nine-year also means new starts are ahead.
19) In a year, but still ahead
20) I’ve had an incredible craving for pepperoni sticks
21) Good thing I’m not a vegetarian.
22) My weight is down five to seven pounds,
23) And yet, I feel fatter.
24) I’ve always known I was a Monkey, but now I know I’m a fire Monkey
25) I use to have a monkey, a spider monkey named Mark, it was a girl
26) Ducky is a Water Dragon
27) I have a dragon collect – the cute type of dragons – Celtic Dragons
28) Ducky fits right in
29) Strangely Miseray is a Fire Monkey, Psam is a Fire Dragon, sadly Burp is a snake
30) So 2008 started with learning about the Chinese New year and my sign
31) I know, I’m a little late on the up take sometimes
32) But it fits in with the Astrology I did as a teen
33) The numerology I never quite mastered.
34) Oh and, I’ve come up with a new part for my hair
35) For some reason my headset has begun parting my bangs
36) It looks like a reject style from “Something About Mary”
37) The headset shoves two thirds to the left, and the right one-third straight up and back.
38) So now I’m doing physical comedy, too
39) Which works in with my “leave ‘em laughing philosophy.”
40)You know, life needs a good hug, a good laugh, good music, and a boat load of chocolate
41) Life needs friends, I adore and cherish my friends
42) Life needs a hot tub
43) We’re ordering ours tomorrow, thank you Lord.
44)My poetry has begun flowing again
45) Well not for the last week
46) Because I’m critiquing, but it’s flowing.
47) Life also needs a good book - would someone please talk Jane Austen in to writing more?
48) Last year I took no vacations, bad idea
49) This year I’m planning a few
50) Beginning with Sid’s birthday party in April
51) Which means I’m going to try my first Frodka
52) I am taking more time with my family
53) Eating more Chinese food
54) And celebrating the people in my life.
55) Hey, right now go find a card and send it to someone just because you can and you love them
56) They could be gone tomorrow, next week, or next month
57) Let them know you care TODAY
58) You may not get another chance
59) I can honestly say I have no regrets and no words of love left unsaid. Can you say that?
60) This year I plan on gardening more
61) Finishing Ducky’s lily garden
62) Maybe putting in a fountain
63) In the front yard
64) Adding more paver bricking
65) And creating cozy corners that beg to be sat in.
66) I am irreverent
67) I drives people crazy, but they are far too serious about themselves
68) But outside of the war, Bush, and taxes what is there that is so fucking serious that you have to be morose and flum all the time?
69) I love my job
70) Everyone should love their job, because life is far too long to be miserable.
71) I love giving presents
72) I don’t do it often enough
73) And sadly some presents don’t get shipped, because I’ve not conquered that procrastination thingie
74) Which means Buddy and family still haven’t received their birthday gifts from last year
75) I hope that just means a bigger box shipped this year EARLY!
76) I have found an upside to the writer’s strike
77) I have almost quit watching TV
78) Almost -
79) Except for Ghost Hunters, American Idol, and happy ending movies
80) I even gave up General Hospital for the most part several months ago
81) That doesn’t mean I don’t indulge myself in a GH Sunday marathon on occasion
82) It’s that ennui thingie going on.
83) Yeah that’s right no Big Brother 9 or Survivor Favs vs Fans – so been there, done that
84) Or as Jules would say, “I’m soooo over that.”
85) Oh and Arnie, my nephew, gave me a copy of Amy Winehouse’s Back To Black
87) By the way it’s Natalie’s birthday Sunday
88) Joshlyn’s too or maybe that is next Wednesday, darn I can’t remember
89) And when exactly is Peggy’s birthday?
90) And no it’s not the elderly memory loss going on.
92) This year I plan to take more photos
93) Write more poetry
94) And find the time to read more.
95) I am impatiently awaiting the start of baseball season
96) It is a long, sportsless period between the end of college football and MLB season.
97) We always have a baseball dinner on opening night.
98) Yeah hotdogs and Crackerjacks.
99) I got to see the space shuttle and the International Space Station zip across the Southwestern sky last night and tonight
100) Not a bad way to close out 51,
101) hmmm 52 isn’t looking too bad.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Evolution of the Valentine

Remember having to choose just the right Valentine for each person out of the box of preprinted “Love, Me’s” your mom bought? Then you would meticulously write their name on the front of the little envelope (You know the ones with the glue that taste like dissolved vitamins, and I’m not talking Flinstones – no I’m talking your mom’s vitamins, the ones with extra iron.) And then after all the yuck and the muck stuck to your tongue, the dumb, stupid flap wouldn’t stick. Yeah, those valentines and those dumb, stupid little envelopes.

After spending the entire weekend before Valentine’s Day sweating in preparation and adolescent angst as to whether Jody Coyote or Greg “He touched my hand, I’ll never wash it again” Reed liked your card (yeah, I know I was hedging my bets even back then, albeit in vane) you find out that Pammy Wilkerson was smart enough to specifically add well chosen Conversation Hearts to get her message across, win the boys, and the day. Actually it was Pammy who yelled, “Greg Reed touched my hand, I’m never going to wash it again. He’s meeting me on the monkey bars at lunch.” Now this is before girls were allowed to wear shorts or pants to school. Back in a time when showing panties on the twirling bar and jungle gym was an every day occurrence. Back before it was taboo to us. So you know what Greg was really there for? Yeah, that’s right, twirling until you puked up those Conversation Hearts.

It became a race far too important to leave to preprinted cartoon characters, and by the third grade I was working to leave Pammy Wilkerson in the dust. I’d placed my eyes on new toys in the school yard, I was on a conquest. I toiled with paper lace doilies, pink and red construction paper, Elmer’s paste, and markers that would indelibly let Danny Buzzelli know I WANTED HIM to be my Valentine. Alas. Mon Dieu. Son of a biscuit eating basketball player, Kathy Gaston stole the day and Dan’s eight year old heart (no twirling required – because we didn’t twirl anymore, no we played hopscotch and tetherball now for hours on end.) Kathy, armed with glitter and all the latest Beatles 45’s knew all the right things to say on her doily hearts.

Today I say it with Chocolate; lots of Chocolate (because Ducky only knows four food groups – cheese, crackers, dip, and chocolate – not necessarily in that order, but really close,) music, and several of the best that Hallmark has to offer. There is almond toffee by the coffee maker, Reese’s peanut butter hearts on his steering wheel, Dove chocolate hearts in his lunch, and a Johnny Cash CD in his overnight bag (nothing says “I Love You” more than buying music you can’t stand for the one you love) with Hershey’s Cherry Cordial Kisses in the pockets of his Levis.

But what did my Ducky do? He One Upped Me….BIG TIME!

I My Ducky!

And those fancy ass chocolate covered strawberries he got me.

Happy Valentine’s and Lots of Chocolate Love coming your way.


Thursday, February 07, 2008

John Flynn and Dover

It’s Talk Thursday and I’m suppose to be writing about “The Fiery Place”. I thought and thought and can’t think of a fiery place. But stay tuned, it could happen.

In my job I get to meet great, I mean really interesting people. This afternoon I interviewed, and was given the appropriate serenade ONAIR ah, the life of a DJ is hard, by an awesome singer songwriter, who before last week I’d never heard of.

Singer Songwriter John Flynn was dressed appropriately in black and carried a well-traveled guitar case in his left hand. And when I say well traveled I mean a beat up, water stained case stuck many times over with fragile stickers that the airlines apparently failed to read on several occasions. His smile was lovely, his grip nice, and his butt is a topic for another log. He opened the case, while wondering aloud if he should have checked it before leaving the terminal, the airlines are kind of hard on equipment. He pulled the guitar out of the case, strapped it one, and began tuning it up over queries and small talk.

Normally interviews are about ten minutes long, sometimes five if the interviewee is boring, talentless, or stinks. John Flynn was none of the above, the interview ran a good twenty minutes or so and included two songs. I love a man that sings to me. He is friends with Kris Kristopherson, Arlo Gutherie (you know the guy my dog is named after), and Willie Nelson. He’s written for some of the biggest names in the music industry, and he is incredibly down to earth. He is one of the few sincere people I’ve ever met who truly walks the talk.

He sang this song for me…er and my listeners. The acoustics were much better on air. Dover is his latest cut from his Two Wolves CD. This song gives me chills and tears in my eyes.

You can find out more about John Flynn and his beautiful music at or at his myspace page where you can listen to more.


Wednesday, February 06, 2008

A Long Time No Meme

This is either the… Another Stupid Blog Meme or A Long Time No Meme (which I like better)

Sid posted this tagless Meme, but I’m in the mood and his answers just crack me up. So if you like, play long.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes, my father’s mother

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Really sat down and had a good cry? I don’t remember. Having a nervous break down, it’s about fucking time cry? July.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? When I am not stressed, yes. As a teen I would sit for hours and perfect a letter I’d seen that caught my eye.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Hmmm, I eat rice and raisins for lunch everyday. I’d have to say tuna.

5. HAVE YOU ANY CHILDREN? One and two halves.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? If I worked with me yes, but don’t expect to chat on the phone, go shopping, or to the movies with me, I’m boring. But we could do breakfast every so often.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? I especially like Loreal Noir, you know the one with the curved brush. Love it. Oh, you mean sarcasm? Hmmm, not much, yeah duh.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yeah, they're kind of attached

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? If I can turn my mind off and be assured I won’t crash and splatt, yep I could. But I really like the idea of reverse bungee (I’m not sure that’s the name for it.)

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I have rice and raisins for breakfast everyday. Yes for lunch too. But cereal, hmmm shredded wheat, Quaker Oat bran rocks, but it’s so fattening, just glue it to my hips because that is where it will end up.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? God, don’t tell my husband, I just slip out of them. Oh, wait, they’re boots.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? When I have to be, but I recently realise I’ve got sissy girl muscles, despite all the iron I pumped in the 80s and 90s.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Oh this is so hard, it changes constantly. It has to be from BJ’s ice cream (I buy it by the three gallon tub, have you seen my butt lately?) Their raspberry cheesecake rocks, the cappuccino fudge is devine.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes, their smile, and if they squished my fingers in to my rings.

15. RED OR PINK? Ugh, green.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I am lazy, anatilitical, and did I mention lazy?


19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? No shoes, I’m wearing my jammies. A gorgous blend of snowflakes, blues, and greens.


Okay, darn I had six.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The wind blowing the latest winter storm inland. It is a warm storm so we will get lots of wind and rain. Watch the news for winter floods in Oregon.

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Teal, but is it teal blue or teal green?

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Gingerbread baking, vanilla, Old spice, sea air, turkey roasting.


25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO MADE YOU DO THIS STUPID MEME? No body MAKES me do anything, but I love Sid, he’s a doll.

26. WHICH SPORT DO YOU ENJOY WATCHING MOST? Oregon Duck Football, baseball, World Cup Soccer, and the Olympics.

27. HAIR COLOR? Bottle Blonde, aka Loreal 8 ½ Champaign Blonde. Did you know Loreal has a great Mascara too. I especailly like the Noir with the curved brush.

28. EYE COLOR? Green, with brown and gold around the iris.


30. FAVORITE FOOD? Cooked by someone else.


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Sense and Sensibility and Pride and Prejudice, I has having a Jane Austin night, but I wore out before I could watch Emma and Mansfield Park.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? A slate blue tank.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Both for different and the same reasons.

35. HUGS OR KISSES? As often as possible

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cheesecake, but lately I’ve had a craving for Lusicous Lemon bars (go figure) anyone have a good recipe, mine’s okay, but I’m open to new ideas.

39. WHAT BOOK(S) ARE YOU READING NOW? Princess of the Blood for the second time.
And an Elvis Cole police procedural.

40. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I have a track ball, but my mouse pad sits right next to it under my teacup, it has my garden petunias from several years ago on it.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? I didn’t turn on the TV last night.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? My grandson laughing -- then thunder, the ocean, the wind, and my windchimes.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? It depends on the era. I like early Stones, and Beatles ballads

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Which is farther Copenhagen or Amsterdamn? I’ve laid over in both. But I lived in Germany for two years.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I breathe, oh wait you do too. Hmmm. I don’t think so.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In a delivery room. Strangely the same one my mother and my grandfather were born in. Now doesn’t that rock. Huntington Memorial in Pasadena.

Friday, February 01, 2008

CV Rick’s Writing Exercise – Heroic Qualities

Today's Writing Exercise is in four simple parts:

1. Write down the name of a real personal hero of yours.
2. What makes this person a hero or heroine to you? What is his or her greatest heroic quality?
3. What was the moment in time in which you first became aware of this quality in your hero/heroine?
4. Assign this quality to your protagonist. Find a way for he or she to demonstrate that quality, even in a small way, in his or her first scenes.

1) Whitey Furby (my father)
2) Despite an education that ended in the tenth grade, my father was remarkably knowledgeable, highly intelligent, and never saw a project or problem that stood in his way…except his own sense of worth.
3) I’m not sure I can pinpoint a time in my life when I didn’t see this quality in my father. If he could see it in his mind, he could do it. I came to realize that I could accomplish a physical problem if I could see it in my mind. I never have believed I couldn’t accomplish something if I set myself to the task; it is his legacy to those who took time to know him.


The sun rode high in the August sky. It was hot, 119 in the shade and what little shade there was would only be found in thin slivers under the arms of the giant Saguaros. No movement in the desert beyond the road showed the desert population was smarter than me and deep into a midday siesta; resting torpid from both heat and sun.

Why hadn’t I just stayed in bed this morning, feeling sorry for myself in the dark coolness of my air-conditioned room? At least it would have been cool. As much as drinking might have helped my personal pity party accelerate, a night of crying and hard thinking had done more, it had given me a foot toward resolve and led me here. Okay, so the resolve was good, most of the pity party was over, but what was I doing here in the middle of nowhere?

Staring off into the distance, distracted in thought, I grabbed my water bottle. Shimmering waves of heat radiated off the black tarmac of highway, a ribbon that stretched east and west across this great Sonora desert, with no relief in sight. Lukewarm water cut a path across my tongue, hydrating my mouth. Wet fingers filled my chest and abdomen. Oh, I loved that feeling, so different from the weight of the melting sun beating down on me, of being alive. The realization of the past six months had leached the life out of me, now I was on a mission, finding my way back to me. With renewed intent I climbed back into the cab of my pick up, turned the key in the ignition and turned back onto the long stretch of I-60.

Why are we so eager to trust, intent on being half of a whole, invested before we know the truth? Why? Oh, the great questions of humanity. Okay, my humanity. Did I have to be part of a whole to feel validated? What in Mike would make me think that he was my destiny? I had willingly given up my life and what was in it, for his dreams -- placing mine on hold. I had almost given up all that I’d accomplished. Well hell! Isn’t that what a woman is suppose to do? Turn her back on her loved ones, friends, become isolated. I’d already sacrificed my bank account; I’d almost given up my career. Darn I’d worked hard to get where I was. Few people in the state of Arizona did my job, heck in any state, and I’m a woman. Well there are other female operation managers, most had degrees, I had come up through radio the hard way, beginning with a four hour, once a week shift on Sundays. Within ten years I was keeping the station on the air, responsible for the day-to-day operations. It had been hard, intensely rewarding and I’d almost thrown it away.