Friday, May 28, 2010

Talk Thursday: Expectations

Wow am I behind. I truly had these great expectation of writing more this year. I was good and didn’t set that as a New Year resolution. While I apparently have been writing less, my New Year goal seems to be in tack. I figured with choosing only one I shouldn't be able to screw it up too badly.

Last week was Rhody Festival, which usually runs me ragged and this year was no less successful in running me ragged than any in the past. But what was different was that I was so calm through the whole thing. The fact the parade was thirty plus entries less helped immensely. I was able to write up a specific number of entries a day leading up to Saturday, wait for revisions, insertions, and drop outs plus search the internet for interesting tidbits to help pass the time while 20 Corvettes idled past Parade Central.

It rained Saturday morning and I tendered calls the entire time from people wanting to know if the Show N’ Shine was canceled? And the ensuing Classic Car Cruise. Let me assure you neither was canceled. And while the rain did fall, over 130 cars still showed up for the Show N’ Shine.

The kids still paraded down Oak Street to the Kids Games. Old ladies still brought out their hand made Uglies, quilts, and delicious homemade jams.

Ducky and I have this tradition. Saturday evening during Rhody we go to the car cruise. I always take my camera because I love the old cars and the people. We walk Bay street look at the bikes. Buy a coffee. Then walk back along Bay Street to the carnival and have an elephant ear which we devour on the boardwalk while watching the river and boats. Always a lovely evening.

This year was no exception and met perfectly with my expectations.

Sunday's parade was excellent, no rain, only 10 Corvettes. And no really goofs in the parade construction, my friend Bubba did a good job. Then I came home to be met with my first iris.

I planted these four iris probably four years ago when I first put in the Lily garden. Nada. Green sword leaves shooting skyward and that was it. Year after year, the nursery didn’t know what I was doing wrong. This year my surprise Batik iris met my long abandoned expectations and gave me this lovely bloom with the promise of more on two of the other plants. My lily garden no so good, but the iris is a divine start.


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Talk Thursday: The Invisible Worm

I’m going to assume that inside everything there is a nigglely little worm. The worm that dines on the skinny ribs of self confidence, the fat of second guessing, and the sweet desserts of all left feet in mouth syndrome. I have learned over the years that rarely can you go back and make something right. So oft nights at 2am I awake with a regret I will never be able to right my ancient wrongs. Or a thought triggers a memory of behavior so embarrassing I burn in shame seemingly for ever. Maybe hell really is of our own making here on earth.

Psam and I were just talking about the nigglely little worms inside. She had her demons and I have mine, we’re not unusual tell me about your nigglely little worms. Mine, the terror of faux pas past.

I break out in a panicked sweat when suddenly my mind travels back to a moment best forgotten. These dirty little deeds are the reason I fully embrace my personal motto, “Where we’ve been is who we are.” Once I was a shy wallflower. Apparent inflicting pain on others with my razor sharp tongue was something I thought would elevate me in the opinion of others, isn’t that just a sad, sad thought? If inflicting pain is what it takes to be “in”, it is a sad comment on the me I was.

I want to impact people’s lives in a positive way. But the actions of my past will have done the exact opposite. I’m not a Catholic where I can go confess my sins to some middle man and have all transgressions erased from my record with a litany of hail Mary’s. No I’m a person who wears each wrong; for each transgression I committed there is a person whose existence I made more unbearable at an awkward, personality forming time of their life. I can’t take those back, and that is so wrong. Yes, it was wrong in the first place, and my stupidity is no excuse, but knowing I am responsible for a black hole of pain in a person’s past is unbearable at times.

Do I feel that all mighty and powerful? No, I don’t and I am hoping that I’ve blown them out of proportion in the years and decades since. Could I be so lucky that the misdeeds have been forgotten? I think not.

Now I take every opportunity I have to apologize to for my wrongs and mistakes. And I take every opportunity to thank people for the lessons, the friendships, and the impacts they have had on my life. I try to give people my all and never fall back in to the mean girl mode where I try to climb over the backs of others.

That person of then is so alien to me. To who I am and what I stand for. Maybe my nigglely invisible worm keeps me on vigil against becoming what I once was.