Thursday, February 21, 2008

Talk Thursday - If I Could Turn Back Time

What would I do? Where would I go? What would I change?

I know people get tired of me saying this, but “Where we’ve been is who we are.” The only variables that I can think of is whether we are raised survivor or victim, and whether we are positive or negative.

I’m pretty much thinking I’m an independent survivor with a positive attitude. I mean, dude what else is there to be? I can’t think of one experience I would change. Yes honestly, not one. The good, the bad, the indifferent have all helped mold me into who I am. Each bad has come with a good, and every good has come with a drawback. Well I assume a drawback, I’d have to look and think deeper to tell the truth and discover the seeds of me.

In my first year at Girl Scout Camp I almost got kicked out because of my smart mouth. Wow, it was a total surprise to me that I was mouthy, I was trying to be funny. But what I learned out of the experience was that 1) not everyone thinks I’m funny 2) the last thing I wanted was to be kicked out of camp and made an example of 3) getting kicked out meant I’d never get to go to camp again, and damn it was way kewl 4) but most of all it would mean that I let my parents down – there was no way I was going to do that (well at least this time.) For my future I realized I wanted to be liked (something I forever chased,) that I’d have to swallow my words sometimes to get what I wanted, and that in a pinch or not so much of a pinch I could be bitingly witty with practice.

The most physical painful experience: birth. While I screamed, “Never again,” for the better part of thirty-six hours, I’d still not take it back. I not only have a beautiful daughter, that I’d not trade for the world, but I couldn’t imagine being more in love and delighted with my grandson, a grandson I’d not have except for from said daughter. In hindsight I know, going back and not having the experience (and the resulting thirty-two years,) I’d be a lesser person all the way around, with a sad quiet life. Now who in their right mind would trade that? No body I want to know.

Rape? No way. It’s not that I relish the experience, come on I am reasonably sane, but the growth I gained, priceless. The impact of one person’s violence on me had an amazing out come - for me, maybe that sounds twisted to you, but there is a sound logic in there to me. Rape is not walk in the park, although for some that is where it starts. It was no joy ride, although that has been a trigger for others, but not me. No, for me it was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But for that experience I have so much more. I have been beat upon and invaded – and I have survived. Now I have insights and experience. I have the shoulders to listen, the growth to move beyond and help others move beyond. Go back and ask for another dose, no way in hell, but turn left that night instead of right turn and I’d be a less compassionate person, a less understanding person, and maybe even a weaker person.

If I could turn back time maybe I could spend more time with my father, my grandfather, maybe I could have made my grandmother like me (but really I don’t think so.) But would it have been any better than I the time I’ve already had? I don’t think so; I had quality time with them. I cherish those moments, experiences, and lessons. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t.

Although, damn I had a great ass at 18, you know that moment right before I got pregnant.



Phoenix Touch said...

Wow, Cele! I had no idea about your survivorship. And, although I have not been through that, I have survived domestic violence and can relate to your statement of "The impact of one person’s violence on me had an amazing out come."

Thank you for the honesty in this post.

With love,