Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Talk Thursday: The Invisible Worm

I’m going to assume that inside everything there is a nigglely little worm. The worm that dines on the skinny ribs of self confidence, the fat of second guessing, and the sweet desserts of all left feet in mouth syndrome. I have learned over the years that rarely can you go back and make something right. So oft nights at 2am I awake with a regret I will never be able to right my ancient wrongs. Or a thought triggers a memory of behavior so embarrassing I burn in shame seemingly for ever. Maybe hell really is of our own making here on earth.

Psam and I were just talking about the nigglely little worms inside. She had her demons and I have mine, we’re not unusual tell me about your nigglely little worms. Mine, the terror of faux pas past.

I break out in a panicked sweat when suddenly my mind travels back to a moment best forgotten. These dirty little deeds are the reason I fully embrace my personal motto, “Where we’ve been is who we are.” Once I was a shy wallflower. Apparent inflicting pain on others with my razor sharp tongue was something I thought would elevate me in the opinion of others, isn’t that just a sad, sad thought? If inflicting pain is what it takes to be “in”, it is a sad comment on the me I was.

I want to impact people’s lives in a positive way. But the actions of my past will have done the exact opposite. I’m not a Catholic where I can go confess my sins to some middle man and have all transgressions erased from my record with a litany of hail Mary’s. No I’m a person who wears each wrong; for each transgression I committed there is a person whose existence I made more unbearable at an awkward, personality forming time of their life. I can’t take those back, and that is so wrong. Yes, it was wrong in the first place, and my stupidity is no excuse, but knowing I am responsible for a black hole of pain in a person’s past is unbearable at times.

Do I feel that all mighty and powerful? No, I don’t and I am hoping that I’ve blown them out of proportion in the years and decades since. Could I be so lucky that the misdeeds have been forgotten? I think not.

Now I take every opportunity I have to apologize to for my wrongs and mistakes. And I take every opportunity to thank people for the lessons, the friendships, and the impacts they have had on my life. I try to give people my all and never fall back in to the mean girl mode where I try to climb over the backs of others.

That person of then is so alien to me. To who I am and what I stand for. Maybe my nigglely invisible worm keeps me on vigil against becoming what I once was.



Psamanthe said...

You couldn't be who you are today, without being who you were yesterday.

Everything happens for a reason and nothing is in vain if you live the lesson learned.

Hmmmm... I wonder where I learned those things....?

Ohhh, that's right. From you.