Saturday, December 15, 2007

Fear and Loathing Snakes in Florence

Sister Mary Lisa started this, and I was capitvated by the posts I read. Daunted by the task at hand. It took me a few days to write this, in fact I wrote it twice. But it was with my usual flippant attitude and didn’t do the post or emotion justice. In fact maybe I was just running from myself. Scared to lay open my fears. Others did and I was proud of them, touched by them, and ultimately inspired by them.

So I’m going to jump in with both feet, because I realized this afternoon where I stand.

If I wasn’t afraid I would walk up to Mark Holt and ask him why he raped me? Why he took the freedom of choice from me? The joy of sex from me? And my ability to feel sexy? I don’t fear any reason he might have for his violent actions, I fear his distain, and worse the fact that he might not even remember, and therefore I am less, I am used, I am discarded, I am not even a bad memory.

Being free of fear I would have the courage to tell him that while I haven’t forgotten, I have forgiven him. But I fear him, oh to be free of that fear. I saw him once, I thought I was over it, those twenty years later. I thought I was okay with my past, but he walked in the hotel, fifty feet away from me, and I shook in fear. If I could be free of that fear, I could soar.

I wish I could walk into a room confident of my welcome and place. Free of fear I would host a party inviting all of my friends, my family, and my coworkers. I would throw a party where people would mingle and laugh, not wanting to leave because the food and company is fabulous. Free of fear I would chat with everyone, charming with my dialogue and laughter, lighting up every heart and face in the room.

Free of fear I would compile my photos and poems into a portfolio and shop them to agents and publishers alike. If I weren’t afraid of rejection, that is. If I were more sure of my ability, talent, and worth as a poet I would, if I could.

If I were free of fear, I probably still wouldn’t like snakes.

While there are fears I would love to be free of, there are fears I will gladly hold on to. The fear of wounding others with my actions and words, I will keep. The fear of not having a chance to say good-bye to those I adore, admire, and cherish I will hold close. And heed the warning of that fear so I remember always to validate those who mean so much to me.



JulieAnn Henneman said...

I thought you were free of fear; you seem that way to me. Excellent post, Cele. I think it's my turn. Gulp.

Sister Mary Lisa said...

Wow, Cele. I love your honesty and sharing painful things here. That can't have been easy. You are an amazing woman.

I'll post a link on my blog. Thanks so much.

wry catcher said...

Beautiful post, Cele. I'm sorry for your pain and fears. I think you're wonderful.

Cele said...

Thank you guys for your support and for putting yourselves out there just like I did.

The son of a Irish Rebel said...

Your post really made me think....

Thank You.

So, what do I fear?


Cele said...

I an curious Irish what do you fear, leave a link here, I look forward to the post.