Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Talk Thursday: On Further Review

During last Thursday’s girl’s night out my mom revisited the old “If you make a mistake and you learn from it, the mistake was worth making.” I live by this motto (one of several,) I’ve made lots of mistakes in my life. A Lot! But when she saw the look on my face she automatically jumped to my first marriage and ensuing divorce.

“You got Psam out of that marriage” (relationships are broken down into marriages and situations to my mom).

That wasn’t where my thoughts had been. I believe what my mother’s words actually had been were, we gain things from each experience, each relationship. While I didn’t have to marry One-X to get an awesome daughter (I was unknowingly preggers when I said, “I do”) I did learn other things post my marriage to One-X – I learned I am strong, capable, and as damageable as everyone else. An innocent person I adored depended on me to be at my best. I grew during my first marriage and subsequent divorce.

No, the look on my face, mirroring the thoughts I’d caught myself on in shock, were the realization that I had gained absolutely nothing from my marriage with Two-X. WTF? Yes, I wound up with the house, but excuse me I’d paid for half of it – he walked away, I didn’t push him out. This is a topic you’ve heard me whine over many times. I lost my personality, my identity. And lately have come to realize that I lost more than a decade of my life to nada.

It’s quite a shock to find out that you wasted more than a decade with nothing to show for it. Almost like being an alcoholic or drug addict that wakes up one morning and can’t remember the last ten years and has nothing to show for it. I threw away over a fifth of my life on a worthless man. I have done several things in my life that I despise, but you know what? Upon further review, this may top them.