Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Bathtub Inanity

To quote an ex husband, “I felt like a hundred pound sack of hammered assholes” an extremely over weight sack at that. I know, graphic, but gracious that is exactly how I felt. So I started a fire, fed Arlo, and then squeezed my ample butt into our standard size bathtub – running the water as fast as I possibly could.

I know you’re saying, “But Cele you have a hot tub.”

Yes I do, it rained over two inches here yesterday and we have neither pergola nor canopy over the hot tub. Have you noticed bathtubs are skinner than they use to be? When I was a kid my grandmother had a French Tub. Wow, what a luxury. I would fill it up and go for a swim. Now I have to use a come-a-long pulley system to get unstuck. Holey Moley. Besides the nice molded spots for my behemoth tushie, my tub does not have endless hot water, nor a timer that tells me when I’ve been in for thirty minutes.

Maybe I have mono. Can you get mono at 53? Under the weather? I can’t say sick, but defiantly not right – as you know, for weeks. I feel pretty good when I get up, but as the day grows long I wear out, feel as though I’m running a low grade fever, and by 9pm I am ready for bed.

My Grandmother (the one with the French Tub) had this God awful name, Effie Frances Shonhardt Cowie Reynolds. Really, you can’t make that up (she hated me.) My other grandmother’s name was Calista Dena Yerky Furby –serious you can’t make this up. My mom goes by a middle name that wasn’t even hers when she was born. Why? Her middle name was Ross. Who the heck names their female baby Ross? Well they changed it after he was tried for treason (and found guilty.) So my mom changed her middle name to Victoria and has ever since been called Vickie. My aunt on the other hand was given the middle name Hughes (after my great grandmother’s maiden name,) she thinks this makes her a Hughes (yes folks she is really that dense.)

So when Psam was born I had this really kewl name figured out – I didn’t want her saddled with a crappy name like FeeFee (and that whole sentence is filled with an inside family joke.) So I decided to name her Bryanna Sky or Elyce Danielle. I did, I thought they were both great names. Her dad was livid. Now when I was preggers I was 100 percent certain I was having a girl, so when butthead threw a fit I said, “Fine, if the baby is a girl I name her. If the baby is a boy you name him.” He chose Joshua Amos. I can feel my family ghost crowding around – aroused at such a fine name.

He went off to the Proving Grounds for AIT, I laid in a hospital bed screaming for 36 hours. When it came time to her name. We were mid Olympics. In 1976 the German team had a down hill(?) skier named Krista Hess. The rest is history. Except Psam’s still annoyed.

More hot water.

Weird names run in my family, Pinecone has a fairly common name for a child of the sixties, but apparently I had this undying need to change it. Now my mom doesn’t go by her first name, I don’t go by my first name, why should Pinecone? So I kept coming up with these nicknames for her. It could have been worse, she could have been named after a beloved aunt – Addie, Lillian, Frieda, Mary, Barbara, Jackie, Hughes. Lord I named Psam with a great middle name, Doniene, she goes by her first.

I on the other hand go through changes constantly. So now the question begs, which name do I use when I get my numbers done?


Maya said...

hahaha, says the girl with the (when I was a kid),unusual name!

Cele said...

I kind of understand the tribal traditions where a person's name changes as they go through different stages of their life.

Psamanthe said...

I tried going by Doniene in Jr High.... But a name change is not easy in such a small town. It didn't stick and I gave up. But you also have to remember, I didn't meet another Krista until I was in high school. You other namechangers have very common names.

foundinidaho said...

I love the name Krista. But then again, my kids are Tim and Rory...not exactly the most imaginative names ever. I don't think that's a bad thing when I see the names of the kids my younger son has as classmates. They're crippled for life by these names.