Thursday, August 20, 2009

Talk Thursday: The Journey

Have you ever stopped and just thought about all the negative events, people, and actions in your past? I mean really sat down and thought them and their impacts through. While I’ve not stopped, set, thought and listed each one, I have contemplated some of the worse events in my life and realized that I am far better for them. Where as delight and joy abound as happy memories, it is the contrary events, people and actions that have been monumental and formative in my transition.

A righteous man is one who has never been tried. I’m fairly certain that is my paraphrased version of some sagely adage. But I find it true. Although maybe it should be a righteous man is a one dimensional – vanilla being. Don’t get me wrong, I love vanilla and it’s great on chocolate cake, but I want to be multi-dimension, tried by the fire and come out heat tempered.

People’s treatment of me has molded my treatment of others. I remember once Dennis Vincaguera kicking me so many times in the butt that I was wearing a thong (in the sixth grade) decades before everyone else. No I didn’t fight back, and I’m not sure why – except I don’t believe in violence. But I did learn that you can’t expect others to treat you justly or fairly, you just have to treat people the way you want to be treated yourself. Everyone just watched, my reaction in later years- I have become proactive when I see someone being abused. Maybe everyone watched without helping me because they felt the way he did, or maybe they were afraid their underwear would become a thong like mine, or maybe they just didn’t know how. I didn’t’, but I do now.

I am woman! And I over come adversity.

In October of my junior year I was raped. Not brutally raped, but raped all the same with lasting mental scars as a reminder. What I have is more than that- I have the strength of survival. Years later I thought I’d over come all aspects of that October night in 1972, until my 20th class reunion when in he walked with his wife and I turned into a quivering mass of human jello. This really disgust me on so many levels. In truth I am furious over this power because: I doubt he knows who I am, I doubt he did then even though we went to school together. I doubt he has had a second thought over the brutality and domination of that disastrous night. He had months to face it, apologize, to regret before I moved to Oregon. Nada, and I don’t expect it, because I know more about rape and the reality of life after and realize that anything more than what I have now is a pipe dream. And what I have now is everything I gave myself. I learned that in my work a day adult world I am a survivor who has over come, conquered, and live to love another day. A niggling reality is this: while I have survived I am still terrified of him. Very humbling to acknowledge, but in the same breathe I have learned a little bit of compassion for those who have been raped and not survived. Oh, a shell of what they could be walks in this world, but because they continue to be victims every day of their lives they are less than their potential. Thank you mom and dad for making me durable.

Share your smiles, they are returned tenfold when given freely.

I have long since made it a point to tell people thank you for what they have meant to me. For the impacts they made on my development. In the words of John Edward, I communicate, appreciate and validate those in my life everyday. I horde the members of my heart, my families, my loves, my teachers.

Why regret the negative actions, people and events of my life? Without them I am not who I am. I am not a righteous being, I am a learning being who is embracing the people and lessons within my life. And I like it. It’s not about the final destination; it’s all about the journey and the events along the way.

Please share your journey.



Psam said...

You know you're my hero, right?

Steven said...

A very powerful and moving post, Cele. Just like you, there is that one event that I think changed me for the future. It made me somewhat of an emotional basket case, but I no longer take life for granted. Thanks for sharing!

foundinidaho said...

Very powerful. I can't share my full journey on my blog because I think the antithesis of what Psam said would be the result. Sad, yet true. Maybe I'll grow up to be you yet. :)

"Devel" is my word verification. Hmmmmm....

Cele said...

Psam, you have your own hero qualities that I adore and am thankful for.

Steven, take that emotion and use it, don't let it cripple you- let it make you stronger. Embrace life, live it, be yourself, and enjoy all the people along the way that make it all worth while.

Fii, a few things: 1st - You are an enjoyable person, I know this first hand, don't sell yourself short. Don't try to grow up to be me, grow up to be yourself. People will like you for you. And my dear, you can ask Psam, you can even ask Steven it is not for me to judge you and I won't. I've got my own skeltons, my own secrets, my own haunts. Take yours to make you stronger, to learn the lessons of the past, and to make yourself the person you are today. We've all done things to be (self) ashamed of, own it to be a better you. And girlfriend, if you don't want to tell me that is your right, it's none of my business, but honestly I like you you're a joy to spend time with (and your family too.) See it has to be true, you were a Farve fan and I STILL liked you.