Saturday, June 07, 2008

Filling The Corners

There are days when I am not as good as I should be. Not even as good as yesterday, sometimes falling all the way to less than I was last week. Where my angles don’t fit the corners of my life. Where I am at odds with this person inside my skin, living my life, holding true to my ideals. Try as I might I can’t step outside of me to look at it from another angle; look at it from your angle, my husband’s angle, my daughter’s, mom’s or even Arlo’s perspective, so I have to ask, “What in the hell happened to me today? I was standing there fine yesterday and today it’s a train wreck.”

Suddenly I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have my mental health numbers checked.

I have the love of a good man, the respect of my mother, my daughter, but I am sure my dog questions my intentions. I have ideals, but do I have the balls to back up the tenets of my life? The dogmas that make up me, can I stand on them without fear that someone will question why I am – me? It galls me that I even have to justify my whys and wherefores, and feel intense fear that I will find myself lacking. I am thrilled that I rise to new challenges. To embrace new thoughts, chew them up, spit them out, and regurgitate the cud to paste in to my nook on the right. Only to find that others can’t accept that minute change in my thoughts.

Menopause can make you crazy.

Standing on pins and needles I wait. Wait for the moment I will fit into the angles, fill the expectations of others, and exceed my own limits. Where my skin will feel totally right – without benefit of enhancements. That single moment in time where my hips won’t be too big, my brain too little, my mouth too loud, and my manner to ostentatious.

The moment where being me is hip.

That moment where I won’t worry about what others will say, or wonder even if they care enough to have something to say…about what I write, believe, say, embrace, and accept. When I will fall down and they will applaud because I didn’t quit trying the new and unusual. Where I stepped out of the box, even if it was to only slide on a banana peel. Where my laughter is infectious enough to over come the inanition of polite society, causing everyone to step back and rethink and believe the odds can be over come.

Someday I want to grow up, but do I want to be a grown up? I don’t know. Because some days it still feels like the school playground.



shinshige said...

Firstly - no, you do not want to grow up. Ever.

Secondly, the moment where being you is hip was actually the moment you were conceived. Only your desire to have your mental health numbers checked is what is holding you back. Grow up? No . . . Recognize it is not the love of a good man, nor the respect of a mother nor a daughter, nor even the understanding of a dog that will make you feel complete. Only when you look in the mirror and understand the love you have for yourself will you truly see how hip you are.

Cele said...

Ha ha Shiggy thank you for your kind words. For the most part I really like myself, but am I everything the people in my life need me to be? I really hope so... that is my expectation.

Sometimes we set ourselves up and then wait for the fall, I do that to myself. No one else, just me. There is a part of me that sabotages the other parts of me - that is the part of me that I DO NOT LIKE. The rest of me is pretty kewl.

So are you.

afod said...

A very interesting introspection, both in the post and your comment above. Just remember that we are human, :-)

lostinutah said...

Wow, can I relate. Even without the menopause part. Not that I'm not looking forward to that, in a weird way, I am.

sideon said...

Nothin' to say or comment other than:

hugs and love, m'dear.

Cele said...

Steve, a lot of time when we are waiting for the other shoe to drop it is a moment or five spent in reflection.

Lost, menopause isn't that bad, just remember when it hits to do these things.
1) get plenty of sleep
2) start dieting immediately w/ exercise
3) take plenty of calcium
It's not that bad, but lack of sleep turned me into a raving bitch.

Sid I always take your hugs and save them.