Filling The Corners

There are days when I am not as good as I should be. Not even as good as yesterday, sometimes falling all the way to less than I was last week. Where my angles don’t fit the corners of my life. Where I am at odds with this person inside my skin, living my life, holding true to my ideals. Try as I might I can’t step outside of me to look at it from another angle; look at it from your angle, my husband’s angle, my daughter’s, mom’s or even Arlo’s perspective, so I have to ask, “What in the hell happened to me today? I was standing there fine yesterday and today it’s a train wreck.”

Suddenly I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have my mental health numbers checked.

I have the love of a good man, the respect of my mother, my daughter, but I am sure my dog questions my intentions. I have ideals, but do I have the balls to back up the tenets of my life? The dogmas that make up me, can I stand on them without fear that someone will question why I am – me? It galls me that I even have to justify my whys and wherefores, and feel intense fear that I will find myself lacking. I am thrilled that I rise to new challenges. To embrace new thoughts, chew them up, spit them out, and regurgitate the cud to paste in to my nook on the right. Only to find that others can’t accept that minute change in my thoughts.

Menopause can make you crazy.

Standing on pins and needles I wait. Wait for the moment I will fit into the angles, fill the expectations of others, and exceed my own limits. Where my skin will feel totally right – without benefit of enhancements. That single moment in time where my hips won’t be too big, my brain too little, my mouth too loud, and my manner to ostentatious.

The moment where being me is hip.

That moment where I won’t worry about what others will say, or wonder even if they care enough to have something to say…about what I write, believe, say, embrace, and accept. When I will fall down and they will applaud because I didn’t quit trying the new and unusual. Where I stepped out of the box, even if it was to only slide on a banana peel. Where my laughter is infectious enough to over come the inanition of polite society, causing everyone to step back and rethink and believe the odds can be over come.

Someday I want to grow up, but do I want to be a grown up? I don’t know. Because some days it still feels like the school playground.

Sith,
Cele