Monday, June 25, 2007

Bad Hair Day

The problem with being a DJ (besides the wages) is the fact everyone uses the same windsock so the microphones are breeding places for all sorts of creations gone wrong. I have no problem using copious amounts of Lysol before and after I take the mic, to keep me and others healthy, in fact I consider it my duty. A duty many do not appreciate…Bob. Yet, in 17.6 years at KCST I’ve never called in sick (called in sick being the operative words.) I’ve missed days because I started at work, broke a tooth and ended up with eight hours of staring up at my dentist ceiling while he probes with poinkie things that make me want to pummel the life out of him. But I have never called in – stayed at home – and suffered with microscopic creations gone wrong. Even when I missed that day last month for surgery, I scheduled it off (I emotionally still consider it my first day of work missed – despite scheduling it three weeks in advance.)

Why? Because I refuse to get sick, I also hate to not be able to breathe. So at the first sign of a bug, I begin dowsing myself with vitamin C and Airborne. I usually works. Usually. But there is now a part timer, who (if he wasn’t more cold infested on death’s doorstep than me would be in deep shit) made my microphone all squirmy with creations gone wrong and I can’t breathe.

This was made only worse by the fact that, as I was driving down the road today wanting to stuff a whole box of Kleenex up my left nostril to stop the flood (the small box not the large) I noted a long black hair growing out left side of my head somewhere between jowl and my chin. Now what do you think when you see a menopausal woman with a long whisker growing out of her 1) chin 2) upper lip 3) cheek?

You think, “Jesus Mother Mary of God, can’t she see that big hairy ass black rope growing out of her chin?”

Well let me answer you now, “No of course she can’t see the fucking big black hair growing out of her chin, because she is blind and needs reading glasses.” It’s true. I borrow my husband’s reading glasses to go tweeze (you learn in beauty college that “we don’t pluck, we tweeze.” Yeah, as if Queen Victoria ever tweezed.) So long ago I asked my boss (because we’re close friends like that) to let me know if EVER I had an ugly ass deformity growing out of my chin.

Needless to say he must need reading glasses too, because I spent an hour in a meeting with him today and he never mentioned it.

I use to keep tweezers in my truck for just an occasion as this. But I stepped on them. I mean who would have thought I’d need to replace them? Really who? There’s a pair next to my chair at home, two in my bathroom, one in my make up bag, one at my desk at work, so I should never run out. But argh, I have. So I guess really I could just stuff the box of Kleenex up my nose, and as long as I leave enough hanging out no one will notice the hair.



Sideon said...

OMFG, I can't stop laughing. I'm not laughing AT your predicament or feelings or health or "big hairy ass black rope". No. Rants are wonderful, and I'm loving your eloquent expression of indignities.

Hugs and love!

Cele said...

You always make my day Sid.

JulieAnn said...

You know that sound people make when they want to laugh, but can't so it comes through their nose like a "k" sound?


:0) hee hee hee

Cele said...

Which is a much better sound than Ackhhh Ackhhh *!gasp!* *!gasp!* which is the sound of a person with a head cold choking on the pepsi they just tried to blow out thier nose.

JulieAnn said...


Sister Mary Lisa said...

LOL, Cele! You made me laugh hard with this post. Brilliant. You should rant about the indignities of menopause more often.

;) Well done, my friend.

Sideon said...

Where oh where is Cele, because I haven't seen her...?

Heather Froeschl said...

I can't breathe! You've got me laughing too hard hon! Not AT you of course, but right with you because I have BEEN there. I shudder in horror because I think of little old ladies who can't see those hairs even with reading glasses, a magnifying glass and a spotlight...and I KNOW that I've missed them myself. Why do women have to be hair free? If we were bald on top like we are supposed to be bald elsewhere, would not the men gasp in shock?
Feel better! And thanks for my daily dose of laughter.

Cele said...

SML seeing as how menopause has become my constant companion over the last four or five years it will be more promient a visitor here at Oh Joy. I will definately share.

I'm here my Sidely, I'm here. My messenger is always on, but I haven't seen you lately either. We need to do lunch soon.

Heather, my sister villiage idiot, I've been wanting to blog about growing bald - because honey it's happening. So as the follicles wither and die off and I figure out how to make female pattern baldness humorous you will get the post. It will happen.

The Sacred Sister said...

Oh my gawd... This is classic! You crack me up!!!
I can't believe you have never called in sick... that is amazing. You are a little trooper.
We really should get together and wax our chin hairs.

Cele said...

The last time I called in sick was a week before my second wedding. Late April of 1981. I've been lucky enough that everything else I've been able to schedule.

Hey when ever you want your chin waxed I've got the tools. I do eyebrows too.